Heartfelt
by coldqueen
Summary: Elizabeth's feelings on her secret affair with Ronan, and how it's affecting her...


Yay! Another ROZ one-shot! Okay, more like a short...it's not a drabble...too long for that, but not a one-shot, not long enough...so, you get a short...Enjoy...and I'm sure you will!

PS this is rated "M" only out of caution for the content and the language...no PWP in here...that will be up soon...

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There's a cliché on Earth, when something shocks or awes you...it "blows your mind". Ronon blows my mind. He blows it out of the water and into the sky, and when it comes back I have no idea what to do. It all starts when he touches me. When he puts those calloused, rough, tan hands on me, I become small, weak, and girly. It's not entirely comfortable for me. In my business, the political negotiation business, you have to be strong. Unbending. There's a reason why women rarely go into this career. I never expected it to lead to this. I'd actually expected to go down in a blaze of glory, trying to save some small African country from imperialism. Silly me. Instead, I'm fighting tooth and nail to save the Galaxy from vampires. Lovely. 

Where was I? Ahhh, yeah...Ronon and his hands. Wonderful hands, that man has. Capable of doing things to a woman that makes you want to melt. On my skin, they're rough. Hard. It's enjoyable. Inside me, stroking, they're like velvet, stimulating muscles I'd forgotten I'd had. It, too, is enjoyable. Well...more than enjoyable...one could call it "orgasmic".

There's a knock at my door, and I know it's him. For once, I don't hurry to answer. Usually, I do, not wanting him to be seen entering my quarters at such a late time. We hide our relationship. I don't know why, since there's really nothing forcing us to keep it quiet, but we do. Sometimes, when there's no trouble, and no immediate issues to deal with on Atlantis, I let my mind wonder, and it tells me that maybe he doesn't want anyone to know because he's pining for someone. Teyla in particular.

It's partly that same old story. Woman fears losing her man to younger woman. It also doesn't help that it's obvious Ronon identifies with her, both of them aliens in our society. It worries me, though apparently I have no right to. When your relationship is so secret, as to be nightly meetings for sex, it's not a relationship at all is it?

I'm Ronon's fuck-buddy. The one he comes to when he's horny. He's the one I go to when I'm the same way so I can't really begrudge him that. I do. I begrudge him every little thing. It's my right. I don't have girlfriend rights, I don't have lover rights. So I'll take anything I damn well want, since I'm in unknown territory, so to speak. It now occurs to me, that maybe I'm not the one he sees when he's fucking me. Maybe he's seeing someone else entirely.

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't fantasized about other people. Before Ronon came to me, I'd been celibate for many months, having left my latest paramour, Simon, on Earth. Right beforethe first time, I'd learned that Simon had moved on, married, forgotten me. I think that's why I allowed Ronon to have me. I was hurt by Simon's perfidy. No, not perfidy. By his ambiguity. I told him to move on, to not let me hold him back. I didn't mean it. I thought he knew that.

The knocking has stopped. Ronon has left, for now. He'll be back. I can almost sense the sexual frustration rolling off him. We haven't seen each other for a week; Sheppard's team has been gone on mission. He hasn't been with a woman for seven days, and I could see as soon as he stepped through the gate and searched for me with his eyes that he'd come tonight. Why don't I let him in? Something in me freezes in the face of his lust. Some small part of me that yearns for more. Why can't I give up the dreams of a child? The dreams of true love, marriage, and happily ever after? If I ever had a chance of that destiny, it wouldn't be with Ronan. He doesn't quite fit with the white picket fence I have picked out.

The mirror by the bathroom reflects a spare moonbeam that comes through the open window, and grabs my attention. Almost surreally, I loosen my robe and let it fall to the floor. I'm naked underneath, and in the shadows I can admit that I like my body. It's long, lanky, full of muscles. Less than 10 body fat, I'm happy to say I sweated and worked my ass (literally) off for. I'd never be that soft, curvy woman Teyla is, so if Ronon wants to imagine I'm her, then it's a poor substitute.

I turn in the little light, and study the body that Ronon craves. Maybe it's not Teyla he wants after all. Maybe it's my still perky breasts, and my smooth skin. Maybe it's my long legs, maybe it's my artist's hands. I don't know. I'll never know unless I ask him. I don't think even I am brave enough to ask the stoic soldier of fortune what about my body he likes. He'd probably give me a look and walk off. No cookie for Elizabeth.

There's a knock at the door, he's back. He's calling my name now, worry in his voice. He knows I'm supposed to be here, waiting for him eagerly, my legs spread and ready for him. I almost was, before my mind got the better of me. When he touches me, it goes away. Ronon Dex blows my mind. And when I'm not looking, he breaks my heart.

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This got really angsty, really fast...I have no idea what happened... 


End file.
